I was angry, annoyed and pissed off. Of being in terrible shape. Of trying things without being fully committed to it. Of sub-par methods which did not show results at all.
Initially, I was mostly angry with myself. For letting things get this low. The self-loathing and criticism got boring real quick and was counter-productive to what I was trying to do.
Then, it became productive anger. The fuel to push me out of my comfort zone, the drive to do something. Anything!
I used it to set myself a small and achievable target - do a 30-minute yoga routine daily for 30 days. After 2 weeks, I got impatient. But that's where the "shut up and stick to this" voice was useful. It was not just self-criticism and anger but a better kind of anger. One that was tired of my bullshit.
Showing up daily for those 30 minutes was hard. Because it was just me doing this in my room. It was so easy to give myself an excuse. But I stuck through.
a good kind of anger
The anger was still fuelling me, a good kind of anger. I used it to commit to something which would take me a significant way across. Signing up for a gym is easy. Showing up is not guaranteed. I needed to find something which would make not showing up painful, especially once my ardour cooled off a bit.
I signed up to run a half-marathon - and that came with a $1500 clause. With Team Asha, you commit to raising money for a good cause. And you enlist your community to help you raise this money. I couldn't very well ask my friends and family to donate money and not run the damn thing, eh! That took care of showing up.
There was a community that meant that all I had to do was show up at the aforementioned time. Once I got there, the energy of the group would take care of things. The first 4 weeks were horrible but the community carried me through.
Then, it got fun once they added in some intervals (running faster) which I've always loved. We ran in beautiful trails and gorgeous weather - so, after the initial sucky parts, it became something I looked forward to.
The rest was not straightforward. But you know what, it was.
there are two kinds of angry
There's the "yelling at the waitress" kinda angry. That just means you are an asshole.
And there's the other kind of angry. The useful kind. The kind that fuels you in a constructive fashion and not a destructive fashion.
You shouldn't be thinking of seemingly negative emotions like anger as only negative. It is always just how you frame it, and how you use it.
It shouldn't be eating you up. It shouldn't be eroding you. It shouldn't be making you act like a dick. No, that's not what I am talking about.
you have to be a bit pissed/annoyed
It should be fuel. To get you to blast off. To get you out of the funk you find yourself trapped in. To get you to try things you wouldn't normally try. To get you to stop saying the same old things to fool yourself.
Find that fuel.
Unfortunately, it runs out. So, use that fuel to commit to something you cannot back out from.
There's that clarity that comes from being pissed. Being angry at yourself and yelling/criticising is you acting productive. Instead, be productive with it. You'll immediately stop with the act. And move on to action.
find your thing
Find that anger. Turn it into a positive feeling.
And dive into the deep end. Commit to something you cannot back out of. Where the backing out comes at a cost you do not want to pay.
Your fuel will keep you going.
When it sputters, the cost you don't want to pay will make you keep showing up.