This was a hard post to hit publish on.
An ass for a friend
Most of the time, I am an ass to myself. The amount of criticism, the self-doubt, the analysis paralysis - sheesh, it is overwhelming. If a friend did that to me, I would stop being friends with that ass****.
At other times, it seems I am busy deflecting blame away from me. Why didn't I do this chore on time? Or why did I not finish that project at work well? Oh, I was too busy with those 17 other things and it is not my fault. Yeah, not my fault for not planning my day well, or for figuring out the difference between urgent and important, or for figuring out what the deliverable is.
When I distance myself from the chatter or the K-FKD radio, as Anne Lamott calls it, I realise the obvious. My work is not as terrible as I make it out to be. I am not that terrible a human being as self-criticism says. At the same time, I am at fault for dropping the ball all those times.
When I am able to remove the nonsense, the chatter and deconstruct things, I make progress. I stop beating myself up, I make a plan for improvement and most times, proceed with the plan. And other times, I fuck up and don't follow the plan. Life comes and I forget that I need to follow the plan and I find myself swept away.
It never is as bad as it seems. It never is as good as it seems.
I am the villain in a lot of other people's stories. Deservedly so. I was an extra-ripe ass**** in my teens and early 20s. In most of these stories, I am oblivious I am the villain.
But to let that linger sucks. It is unhealthy. I know it. But yet, how do you shut up that annoying voice which is sometimes unfortunately true? Or at least knows to say the exact thing that cuts deep?
One rep at a time
I wish I knew. I don't.
So, I plod along. One rep at a time. Taking heart from good conversations, from good interactions, from positive vibes. From trying to make meaning in my life and other's lives. From purpose.
No real point to this post
I need to learn to move on from many past mistakes. It is a stone around my neck that I keep thinking I've cut the rope on but a week or a year later, there that fucker is. Still hanging on.
Kamal Ravikant had a neat ritual, which I am yet to try. Write a note and toss it away. Or burn it. Dump everything out.
It is already August. The stuff that I said I'd do in March is on top of my ever-growing Pending list. All this keeps adding up.
The advice is easy - treat yourself like you’d treat your best friend. Sure. Simple. But doing it is another matter altogether.
How do you draw the line between confidence and arrogance? How do you draw the line between pushing yourself and being an ass**** to yourself? And fooling yourself vs forgiving yourself?
The criticism about my work seems valid. I mean, is this a post that I should actually hit publish on?!?! What the f*** have I written?
One presumes everyone's similarly fucked in the head. Or is it only me?